Follow-up: A Discussion on Parenting

Well! I've had some great responses about this parenting post that I thought I'd write a follow up. Both the responses on our google group and the response on the post have been fantastic.

Anne commented on my first post and made some really good points. I started replying back, but realized I had too much to say! So, I'm putting it in this follow-up post for us all to enjoy.

AnneFeb 12, 2012 02:16 AM

I think that dad is crazy. and i would rebel so much if anybody shot my laptop. i understand if he grounds her for a while, but honestly the daughter is going to hate her parents even more now than she did when she wrote that stuff about him. As the only child still living with her parents- i cation the future parents from acting out like this. the more you restrict your children the more they will lash out and eventually they will start lying to you about where they are and what they are doing. I say trust your kids and when they do something wrong talk to them like they are adults, because then they are more likely to act like one. just my thoughts :)

 My response:

Anne,

You bring up a lot of good points in your comment.

First, I agree that the more we restrict, the more children will want to rebel. Humans have this innate need for control and when someone else is controlling all of our decisions, we'll rebel to show them that we DO have some control. Whether or not that rebellious choice hurts us, we do it to simply say, "Hey look! I have control, you don't. Look what I did. Ha!"

Why do you think Heavenly Father chose the Savior's plan and not Satan's? Satan's plan took control of all of our actions. Granted, his plan didn't ALLOW for rebellion because we would have had no choice, but it also didn't allow for any LEARNING to happen either. We learn when we make choices. We learn even when we make mistakes. We make mistakes when we're given the choice - or control- to make our own decisions.

However, children still need rules and guidelines. That's why we have commandments and standards. Having the ability to choose NOT to follow these commandments makes following and keeping them so much more meaningful to our Father in Heaven.

I feel that parents should have rules, guidelines and standards in their home and that they should FOLLOW THROUGH with RESPECTFUL, LOVING discipline when those rules, guidelines and standards are broken. I feel that there should always be love, there should always be respect, and there should always be a response to their behavior.

Second, a question: Would you still rebel if the father TOOK AWAY or SOLD her lap top? I think either of those would have been sufficient. Shooting it was a little over the top; however, he did say that he would put a bullet through her laptop if she tried that again. She did it again, he shot her laptop. Even though it was harsh (and A COMPLETE WASTE OF A LAPTOP, not to mention an UNNECESSARY use of a GUN), he was following through with his punishment. I don't think the dad in this video is completely crazy. I think he should have been more respectful and loving, but I think it's great that he responded.

Third, I think most of our initial responses to a situation like this would be to rebel. However, I think that in the end, after we've calmed down, we might be a little more rational to the discipline we've received because we innately want those guidelines to keep us safe.

This is what the dad in this video said about this:

"While the whole point of this story isn’t funny, what is funny to me is how weak some people out there think kids are. Our kids are as strong as we help them to be. My daughter took a horrible day in her life, had her crying fit, then got over it, accepted her punishment, and hasn’t let it (or people’s comments) destroy her strength. I don’t get any credit for that. She’s strong and able to overcome almost anything life throws at her."

Children and teenagers are stronger than a lot of us give them credit for. They can make big decisions, the can handle big disappointments, the can accept harsh discipline. They're teenagers, so they'll want to rebel, but if guidelines are consistent (a key) and if love is in place, then I agree with this guy: our kids our stronger that we know. They can handle the hard and the tough. We just have to give them the opportunities to let them stretch their muscles.

I believe it is better for children to learn their lessons when their young and the mistakes are small and consequences less detrimental than when they're older, on their own, making mistakes like bad mouthing the boss on FB and loosing their job, which will lead to larger, more extensive consequences with father reaching effects.

It is better for them to make mistakes while they're at home and the "price tags" of those mistakes are small, than to learn them when they're older and the price tags are much larger. What is a lap top to your income? A weekend grounding to a year in jail? Let's teach strong, powerful lessons NOW, so that children are ready to make big, important decisions in the future and will succeed.

KtA

I also thought I'd include my response about this from our Google groups email discussion so that they're all in one place. Some may overlap - sorry!

Bekah and Ryan - I like both of your responses. Bekah, I like that you point out that he wasn't very respectful. I too feel that this is a downfall many parents stumble into. We tend to treat our children with the respect they treat us. But children can only learn proper respect if we MODEL that respect, especially when we speak and interact with them and others around us.

I also like how you talk about chores and allowances. I think parents need to teach their children to work for what they want. That's how it is in the real world, is it not? I feel the world would be better off if parents taught this in the home. The sense of entitlement has really sky rocketed, from what I've seen.

Ryan, I thought your answer was very profound - "Any emotional response strong enough to make you get a gun is extremely dangerous, especially in the person who would follow through and get one. Respond yes, but NEVER with a gun." I'm not sure why a gun and shooting the lap top was necessary. I understand that the father said that he would put a bullet through her laptop if she did something like this again and I DO believe that it is important for parents to follow through with the things they say; however, I don't think he should have ever said that to begin with - and then followed through. Guns are scary enough without using it as a means for punishment.

Though the execution was poor, I do like that he DOES respond. Many parents would just ignore the problem or say something and never do anything to follow through with the conversation and behavior. I also like that he responds on a large scale so that other people can see that she got punished for her choice. With all the laws and judgements out there, people are afraid to discipline their children period, so a lot of kids get away with things that they shouldn't - like nasty posts on facebook. I feel it is important to respond to our children's behavior, with love and respect, whether it is to teach some discipline or to praise and thank.

I wish that he had been more respectful and loving in his discipline choice.
 

I wish he had chosen to do something else with her lap top than involve violence with a gun, because I feel he just taught his daughter, and all the web viewers, that it's okay to respond with guns and violence.
 

I also wish that he had done something else with her laptop because he just WASTED a perfectly good laptop: sell it, give it away, anything but destroy it. Someone in need could have used that laptop, but now it's just scraps.

The dad has some other things to say about the situation. you can find it out here: http://www.litefm.com/pages/news-story.html?feed=421220&article=9744152
Beware, comments get interesting and off the topic...

-Kaylee